Holy Burger at Ham Holy Burger, Oxford Street

15 Aug

Ham Holy Burger
LOCATION: 3rd floor, John Lewis, 278-306 Oxford Street, London W1A 1EX [map]

PRICE: £8.95.

BREAD: Un-seeded burger bun.

FILLING: Piedmont beef burger, tomatoes, cucumber, lettuce, red onion, holy sauce.

PROS: Meh, I dunno, sometimes I tie myself in knots with my own format, here. I’m just going to whack it all under the cons, which to be fair, isn’t that far off anyway.

CONS: Ham Holy burger is full of really irritatingly bouncy, cheery staff, presumably because they don’t need to do a great deal. When I arrive, a woman at the door screeches at me “whaddya want?! PIZZA? PASTA? BURGER?” to which I reply “burger! Burger! Burger!” in the manner of someone trying to calm a person who is having a panic attack, and she ushers me towards Ham Holy Burger.

All the food is ordered on an Ipad. What? What’s that? Yes yes, I said everything is ordered on an Ipad. It’s saving staff costs and is more efficient, you see. PAHAHAHAHAHA. Just kidding on the last part. A very young, very enthusiastic Italian man is telling me how to use said Ipad. This takes a while. The obvious thought occurs to me: it would have been much quicker if he could just take my order. “Can I have a glass of Chianti please?!” I blurt out, desperately, confused by the fact I have been sat at this table for a while, talking to a waiter, yet he hasn’t offered me a drink. At this point, he turns his head from the Ipad to face me, bares his teeth in a sort of dazzling, threatening smile, and says ‘”OOOOH!” as if I have just suggested we have a threesome with one of the waitresses. He then stabs at the Ipad and someone else brings the Chianti, which is grim.

The Holy Burger is made from Piedmontese beef, which is criminally under seasoned. Perhaps because I am so discombobulated by the whole experience, I forget my Maldon pinch pot nestled in my handbag, but obviously I shouldn’t need it. Bun = fine. Lettuce = fine. Onions = fine. Tomato = fine. Cucumber = weird. Usually, of course, they’re pickled, but in this case thick slices of plain old cuke bring a sort of odd freshness, like I’m supposed to be eating a lamb pitta with tzatziki. The ‘Holy Sauce’ is rather nice actually, but there isn’t enough of it to bring the richness and pickle flavour that the burger so desperately needs.

As our hearts slowly sink and we contemplate asking (an actual person) if we can have the bill, my mate decides to take revenge. I snap a picture of him on the Ipad which he sets as the wallpaper and home screen, before password protecting the Ipad so they can’t change it back. We walk away, chuckling, and head straight around the corner to MeatLiquor.

SCORE: 3/10



10 Responses to “Holy Burger at Ham Holy Burger, Oxford Street”

  1. OS August 15, 2014 at 1:31 pm #

    Surely cucumbers in burgers isn’t a thing?

    • londonreviewofsandwiches August 15, 2014 at 1:33 pm #

      I know, right?! It shouldn’t be a thing. A pickled gherkin, yes. A regular cucumber is just odd.

  2. Cris August 15, 2014 at 4:39 pm #

    Ordering via iPad? Most irritating and wanky. Not surprised it was in John Lewis though. Burger sounds bad. Cucumber? Ugh.

    • londonreviewofsandwiches August 15, 2014 at 4:52 pm #

      I must say, I rather like John Lewis! I mean, it’s not their restaurant obviously, Ham Holy Burger are an Italian company, part of Rossopomodoro but as you say, it is nevertheless in their store. Whoever was responsible for the decision to put them there has made a mistake.

  3. Julian August 21, 2014 at 10:04 am #

    Yes, terrible burger. No seasoning. JL made a mistake. JL seem to be going poncy and flash in their refurbs in general – which hasn’t missed the mark on their retail, but this doesn’t work for them.

    • londonreviewofsandwiches August 21, 2014 at 3:14 pm #

      The lack of seasoning really irritated me. Not liking a combination of flavours is one thing, but to not even season it? Criminal. Terrible place. Can’t believe JL have gone so off the rails with this one.

  4. ash333 August 29, 2014 at 8:34 am #

    If I ever ordered a burger and it arrived with cucumber on it I would sweep my hand in a wide and violent arc across the table, knocking everything on to the floor, then I’d leave amidst the screams of terrified diners, never to return.

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