Croque Monsieur at The Delaunay, Aldwych

LOCATION: The Delaunay, 55 Aldwych, WC2B 4BB [map]

PRICE: £5.75

BREAD: Sliced white

FILLING: Ham and Gruyère cheese

PROS: Well, melted cheese is never a bad thing, although when I say melted…

CONS: …what I actually mean is, melted at some point, quite a long time before arriving at my table. Congealed. Bendy. This was, without a shadow, the worst croque monsieur I have ever eaten. So, instead of delivering a croque monsieur, The Delaunay decided to deliver a game. The game was called: ‘Find The Croque Monsieur Under a Big Pile of Salad Ha Ha Ha Sucker!’  What the actual piss take is a mountain of (under-dressed) baby gem doing on top of my sandwich? Oh and the sandwich is TINY, by the way. I put the two halves together and they did not amount to a full sized slice of white bread, even with the crusts removed. On the inside was a really generous amount of spectacularly poor quality ham; you know, the shiny kind. The Gruyère was a very poor example – apologetic, pathetic. The whole thing was blistering hot on the outside and stone cold in the middle. The bread was so greasy it reminded me of a caff I used to visit in Oxford where they deep fried everything, including the sausages and bacon. In short, I didn’t rate this sandwich. The Delaunay is a lovely room however. They can have one point for that and one more for the waitress, who was charming and brought me a Martini.

SCORE: 2/10

Tags: croque monsieur London, The Delaunay, The Delaunay review

Bifana Especial at Cafe Max, Brixton

LOCATION: Cafe Max, 18 Brixton Station Road, SW9 8PD [map]

PRICE: £4.50

BREAD: White bap

FILLING: This Portugese beast is packing fried pork, a fried egg, a slice of processed ham, a slice of Emmenthal style cheese, lettuce and tomato.

PROS: Well, no-one could accuse them of being stingy with the filling. That’s a lorra lorra protein for £4.50. The bap was nice; fresh with a good bit of chew.

CONS: Let’s start with the pork, shall we? It was fine; clearly cheap meat but you know, fine. I think it had been marinated but didn’t have much flavour save for one bite when I found myself dealing with a piece of garlic. It was chewy, too. The egg was okay; they cooked it on both sides, I assume to make it easier to eat. It’s annoying to be presented with a fried egg and yet denied the joy of the oozy yolk though, don’t ya think? The processed protein products on top were um, unexpected. I don’t shy away from a slice of mystery meat and I regularly plunge headlong into the guilty pleasure pool of processed cheese but jeez, what was the point here? The lettuce and tomato underneath was…well it was there. Yes, definitely there. The sandwiches (I subjected a friend to this delightful lunchtime experience also) arrived at the table with mayo and ketchup. I squirted a bit of mayo on mine, mainly because I wanted to do a pattern with the squeezy bottle. Also, I don’t know what that substance is on top of the bun that was clearly left behind by the knife used to cut it, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t in my sandwich.

We were hungry, me and my mate, so we managed about half of our sandwiches. As I looked up at him to declare defeat I noticed he looked pale and concerned, “my pork” he said through a mouthful of four kinds of protein, “it’s raw in the middle”.

SCORE: 1/10

Tags: Bifana Brixton, Bifana London, Cafe Max Brixton, Portugese sandwich Brixton, Portugese sandwich South West London

Cheeseburger at The Ship, Wandsworth

LOCATION: Legendary London pub The Ship, 41 Jews Row, London, SW18 1TB [map]

PRICE: £11.50 with fries.

BREAD: Glazed bun.

FILLING: 100% beef patty, pickled cuke, melted cheese, sliced tomato, shredded iceberg, red onion, French’s mustard, some other good saucy stuff.

PROS: The Ship worked on this burger for quite some time, and it shows. The beef is a mixture of 20% forerib, 60% chuck and 20% added beef fat. Tasty, tasty beef fat. That patty was a perfectly medium rare juice-fest and I made quite the mess of myself with it. Happy as a pig in shit. The cheese is ace; proper melty in a slightly ‘that’s so wrong it’s right’ kind of way, which it turns out, isn’t too far from the truth. The Ship make their own super-melting cheese by a method which I was pleased to learn involves adding more calorific goodness, then processing it in-house. The photo above doesn’t do it justice; it was like a yellow blanket hugging the sides of that patty with the slow yet progressive and unstoppable caress of lava over rock. The pickles were crisp, well balanced and sliced to just the right thickness so as to slot into the sandwich without threatening structural integrity. French’s mustard was present and correct; I just can’t do without its sunny mellow tang in my boiger. There’s some other juicy, saucy mastery at work in this sammy too, although I couldn’t put my finger on it. I didn’t try. I just stuffed it in my face as fast as possible then took a breath, looked up, saw some fries on the side and ate them too. They were great. The Ship is without doubt one of London’s most popular pubs, drawing record breaking crowds as soon as the sun comes out. Just make sure you’re down there with the cool kids, pint in one hand, burger in the other.

CONS: The bun was almost on its last legs as I came to the end of the burger. A minor grumble.

SCORE: 9/10

With thanks to The Ship for the photo above (too busy stuffing my face as per)

Tags: the ship burger BBQ, the ship burger review, the ship pub South West London, The Ship Wandsworth

Lobster Roll at Burger and Lobster, Mayfair

LOCATION: Burger and Lobster, 29 Clarges Street, Mayfair, W1J 7EF [map]

PRICE: £20 including chips and a side salad.

BREAD: Brioche roll.

FILLING: Lobster meat bound with mayo, sprinkled with chives.

PROS: Everything about this sandwich is perfect. It brims with big chunks of tender, sweet lobster meat; the perspective on the photo doesn’t do justice to the generosity of filling. I was worried there might be too much mayo but no, just enough to bind everything together and lubricate. Perfectly judged. As much as I enjoy working over a lobster, there’s a lot to be said for having it all there, ready and waiting to be stuffed in my face. The bread is absolutely incredible too, the butteriest brioche I’ve ever tasted; the texture impossibly light and fluffy within, crisp and toasted on the outside, the butter in the bread leaving it caramelised. Bite after bite of that stunning, rich brioche and that decadent lobster meat, the subtle oniony tingle of chives. Heavenly. I ate half then made sure to finish my chips and salad before polishing off the rest; an experience to be savoured and repeated, often.

CONS: None. The first ever perfect 10 on LROS. I knew as soon as I took the first bite.

SCORE: 10/10

Tags: best lobster roll London, brioche roll, Burger and Lobster, lobster roll at burger and lobster, lobster roll review burger and lobster, mayfair

Pork Belly Bun at Yum Bun, King’s X

LOCATION: Eat.St at King’s Cross, King’s Boulevard, N1 – see Eat.St website for location, opening times and stalls.

PRICE: £3 for 1, £5 for 2.

BREAD: Chinese steamed bun.

FILLING: Pork belly, cucumber slices, spring onion, hoisin sauce, Sriracha chilli sauce.

PROS: Oh sweet, sweet happy joy! This is a stunning sandwich. The main event is a thick slice of tender pork belly, including a very important strip of wibbly wobbly silken fat. I think the pork belly is pre-simmered with aromatics (e.g. star anise and Chinese cinnamon), then re-heated in the steamer to serve. Whatever, it’s lush. The richness of the soft meat and gleaming fat is offset by discs of crunchy cuke and the punch of shredded spring onion. A drizzle of sticky hoisin provides sweet n’ spice, and Sriracha sauce, gentle heat. And the textures! That bun is a cloud-like bundle of pure pillowy heaven; the fluffiest example I’ve eaten. My friend declared it better than any he’s tried in New York, including the Momofuku version. I wouldn’t know because I haven’t been. What I can say however is that I went back for a second, despite that fact I’d demolished the first one plus another sandwich from another stall (I was very hungry), because I couldn’t take my mind off the thing the whole way back to the station.

CONS: None. Will I ever give anyone a perfect 10/10? It’s possible, but something incredible needs to happen. This bun is faultless nonetheless. Yum Bun, indeed.

SCORE: 9/10

Tags: Chinese sandwich, eat street at king's cross, Eat. st at king's cross, King's Cross, London's best sandwiches, mantou, N1, pork belly sandwich London, pork belly steamed Chinese bun, sandwiches king's cross, steamed Chinese bun, street food London, yum bun pork belly, Yum Bun review

Madras Chicken at Blackbird Bakery, East Dulwich

LOCATION: Blackbird Bakery, 46 Grove Vale, East Dulwich, SE22 8DH [map]

PRICE: £3.50

BREAD: A good quality white (baked by Blackbird).

FILLING: Chicken mixed with madras curry mayo, lettuce, sliced tomato and finely diced red onion.

PROS: This is basically coronation chicken in disguise but my goodness, it’s delicious. The large, juicy chunks of chicken are plentiful, bound in a borderline indecent amount of curried mayo. Although this is made with a curry powder blend, it miraculously  swerves any danger of tasting like something one might find chilling in a motorway service station and instead plants itself firmly in the camp of luxurious; silky soft and dreamy. The sweet little nubs of red onion are the perfect garnish too, adding just the right amount of allium bite. For £3.50, it’s extremely good value, because this sandwich is an absolute giant. At the halfway point I almost considered saving the other half for later. I didn’t, of course. Blackbird are trying to revive a British classic and are doing so with style and taste.

CONS: The insipid tomato needs to go. Also, the second time I bought it there was no red onion, which upset me a lot; I’ll mention it next time I go in. Speaking of return visits, I almost didn’t make one after a particularly irritating morning about 6 months ago when I popped in to pick up a sandwich on my way to work. I asked if there were any sandwiches available and the lady there told me that no, they don’t make them until 10am. “Oh, you don’t have the ingredients yet?” I asked her. “Oh yes, we just don’t make them yet” she replied. That’s fine, but I took a quick look around, and considered the fact that there was only one other person in the cafe and two members of staff. I then asked very nicely if they’d mind putting one together, a request which was met with a flat ‘no’ delivered in what was, frankly, a truly arsey tone. Is it really too much trouble to make a sandwich when you’re not doing anything else and I’m a regular customer? Really? Hacked me off for months, that did.

Anyway, the sandwiches are good so I return. Sigh.

SCORE: 7/10

Tags: best sandwiches East Dulwich, Blackbird Bakery, Chicken, Coronation chicken sandwich, East Dulwich, East Dulwich sandwich, madras chicken sandwich, SE22

Smoked Eel and Horseradish at Quo Vadis, Soho

LOCATION: Quo Vadis, 26 Dean Street, London, W1D 3LL [map]

PRICE: £6.50

BREAD: Sourdough (I think), toasted

FILLING: Smoked eel and creamed horseradish

PROS: Two little squares of charred sourdough sported just the right amount of bitter char. A peek inside revealed a generous slice of rich, oily, delicately smoked eel, smothered with freshly grated, properly nostril-searing creamed horseradish. Is there a more perfect flavour combination than that pungent horseradish and luscious, creamy-fleshed eel? Not when you’re eating this sandwich there isn’t. The overall richness was countered admirably by a dainty wee pile of pink, lightly picked onions and it took every ounce of my strength not to shove them in the sandwich too, pick the whole thing up and make a right old mess. Quo Vadis is a proper restaurant though, and it’s such a glorious and smart little ‘wich that I didn’t mind eating it with a knife and fork, thus saving my companions the embarrassment of dining with a woman sporting a fishy face mask. The sandwich is small but to be honest, due to the richness I wouldn’t want it any bigger (lies, lies).

CONS: The splendour of the sandwich was offset by a couple of mistakes with the meal. It’s perhaps a little unfair of me to mention it considering this is a review of a sandwich and not the restaurant in general but it left a slightly bad taste in the mouth and so I’m knocking a point off.

SCORE: 9/10

Tags: jeremy lee, Quo Vadis, sandwich quo vadis, sandwich soho, smoked eel and horseradish sandwich, smoked eel sandwich quo vadis